Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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Facebook Youtube Virus Generators

March 22, 2010

To the rat bastards who wrote that damn virus and are getting their rocks off knowing that millions of people are having serious computer issues and more, here is a little input from the peanut gallery:

YOU ARE CERTIFIABLE ASSHOLES!!

Some people actually earn their living from their computer.

Thanks for costing me and countless others a boatload of cash.

Thanks for unleashing something incredibly negative into the world to prove just exactly how much of a twit you really are.

Thanks for not doing something positive with your obvious intelligence, the world is in serious need of further douchebaggery.

Thanks for reinforcing the idea that creating havoc/anarchy/discord are stepping stones on the path to computer geek coolness.

Please have your mother travel back in time and have her not spread her legs for your father.

Now, go rot away in that putrid basement of aforementioned mother in which you are living, fondling your life-size, blow-up rubber girlfriend and never venturing out into the real world with real human beings.

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A Brief WTF?

March 3, 2010

After a simple afternoon coffee date which ends in a kiss on both cheeks it is most definitely NOT ok to IM the female party of the date to point out to her that she does indeed, have nice cleavage and the chilly temperature made her nipples “as hard as hammers.”

Really? How can this shit possibly ever get anyone laid?

Where in the twisted logic of an individual does it seem sensible that if I only want to meet you for coffee and I do not kiss you that talking about my nipples will suddenly make me want to mount you?

*shakes head in dismay*

That is all. Carry on.

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Definition of Dating

February 28, 2010

Nice way to show up, but too much on a first date.

So…a little over a week ago I started doing the dating thing again.  Despite the fact that I am still completely enamored with a certain tall, sweet and ever-so intelligent professor.  If it ain’t working, ya gots to move on. *She says with still a glimmer of hope that it will, in fact, work*

I put a toe warily into the dating pool, checking for proper temperature before diving in.  As a rule, I hate dating. Absolutely hate it.  I know that as a reasonably attractive and semi-normal woman this is not typical.  I am supposed to like dating.

Now, the more skeptical males say, “well, at least you get a free meal out of it.”  As if getting a plate of pasta and some crostini are worth listening to inane drivel all night.  I would much prefer to eat at home, thank you very much.  In many cases I would prefer to do laundry. Or iron. Or stick burning hot pokers into my eyeballs.

Nothing personal against most men…but I have a very specific type that I like.  I am a giraffe (5′ 10.5″) so tall is pretty much mandatory…only pretty much…my ex-husband was 5’9″ but he is also smarter than 99% of the general population.  I also need an IQ in the stratosphere because I refuse to dumb down, despite being told it would be easier to find a man that way.  An even temper, a certain degree of neatness, a lack of political correctness but an empathy for others, an avid adoration of my cooking, timeliness, no desire to control everything, a natural scent that makes me want to inhale his essence.  And lots of hot, sweaty monkey sex when we get to that point. Lots.  As in, “unless you have to actually be at work, get in this bed, on the kitchen table, into the shower, up against this wall or hanging from this chandelier. Now.”

What would he get in return for offering all these fine qualities one might query?  A tall, long-legged, wickedly intelligent, even-tempered, clean, searingly politically incorrect, empathetic, good-cooking, punctual, relaxed girlfriend who smells good.  And is as horny as a 13 year old boy who just found his dad’s stash of porn.

Chances of me finding all of those characteristics in one live, breathing and unattached male…close to zero.  Thus, the reason I hate dating.  I have red flags that eliminate most people immediately from my potential dating pool and most men have at least one.  This does not mean that said flagged men have something innately wrong with them.  It means they don’t work for me, and I’m kind of a freak so that may be a compliment.

There is a needle in the haystack that is Tuscany…I just want to find it without dating.  Because, to me, the definition of dating is: torture.

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Bars: Nemesis or Godsend?

January 29, 2010

Cubs on a Night Out

Like most people who have managed to reach a certain age I have spent my share of time in bars and done my share of consuming adult beverages.

Ok, perhaps more than my share.

Okkkkkkkkk, my share plus three other people’s shares.

But I finally grew up and don’t drink as much any more. (Most of the time.)  I spent many nights with eyes at half mast and many mornings with headaches that felt like a crew of woodpeckers treating the inside of my cranium like a buffet.  My liver has been very angry with me on any given Sunday (M,T,W,T,F or S) in the past.

So here’s the negatives about bars:

  • You can’t hear yourself speak.
  • You can’t always find a seat.
  • I make better drinks than a lot of bartenders. (I did it for a living before)
  • You can’t hear hot guys speak…sometimes that should be in the plus category.
  • Guys think you are there to hook up with them.
  • You can only hear drunk sorority chicks scream, “OH MY GOD” so many times before wanting to take the toothpicks from your martinis and stab one into each of their eyeballs.
  • The line for the Ladies’ Room is always too long.
  • You wallet becomes very empty, very fast unless you are great friends with the bartender.

Here are some cool things about bars:

  • They have booze…in a much better variety than you have at home.
  • You don’t have to clean up.
  • If you don’t like one bar you can go to another…not like your house.
  • You can flirt with a bartender.
  • You can meet new and interesting people.
  • If you meet new and uninteresting people you can tell them to go away.
  • You can be a Cougar.
  • You can behave or misbehave.
  • Unless you are an idiot you can get a really nice buzz without getting any grief.

Verdict: Bars are FUN!!  They are gathering places in which you can take the edge off a difficult day at the office.  They are places which allow you to broaden your social circle.  They are places where you can meet Mr/s. Right or Mr/s. RightforTonight.

Should you be in one every night, probably not…but it can be fun for a while.