Posts Tagged ‘kissing’


Dynise’s Algorithm for Putting Out

March 6, 2010

Step Two on the Path to Nakedidity

Freshly back into the dating world, HBB is encountering her fair share of generally attractive males who have the desire to disrobe me and engage in activities of a physical and sexual nature.

BUUUUUUUUUUUT, I am not terribly interested in pursuing said activities with the speed and lack of discrimination in partner selection which Italian males have come to expect.  Thus, I sleep alone, with the thoughts of hopefully finding a one which I actually want to invite to disrobe me.

Now, there is actually an algorithm attached to the Velocity and Probability of Dynise Putting Out. Like Google’s algorithm, it is veiled in secrecy and understood by only a select few.  For purposes of brevity, potential nookie obliger, boyfriend, aspiring love/lust slave, husband in training is abbreviated to NOBALLSHIT.

Some of the components involved are:

  1. IQ of potential NOBALLSHIT
  2. Sexual desirability of NOBALLSHIT
  3. Volume of available candidates
  4. Presence of restrictive clothing (many times this is purposeful)
  5. Time lapsed since last sexual encounter (on the part of HBB)
  6. Amount of inebriating liquid consumed in the preceding hours
  7. Number of previous encounters with candidate and the nature of their progression.

The perfect storm level of algorithm is reached at the point of:

  1. Third Standard Deviation from the norm (to the right)
  2. Italian underwear model hot
  3. Zero (this generally happens when heartstrings have been sufficiently tugged)
  4. Bikini or lacy, frilly things (the presence of many extraneous clothing implies lack of desire)
  5. In excess of 90 days
  6. Apertif, vino, limencello (served with candles and large quantities of meat products)
  7. These should start with coffee or lunch…then both parties have an escape…after sufficient encounters (um, no, one is not sufficient) Facebook/LinkedIn adding, awareness among friends that the desire to disrobe this individual is creating that burning sensation in one’s loins…then we proceed to nakedidity.
For those who believe they are good candidates for nakedidity there are further qualifications which I seek:
  • Age…not too much younger, not too much older.
  • Height…I am a giraffe, please be a boy giraffe.
  • Politics…I am fiscally conservative, socially liberal…I want to attend my gay friends’ weddings.
  • Sociology…I believe in the merits of an individual. I merit a sexy boy.
  • Cooking…if you don’t like my cooking we can not be more than friends…and no, we can not be “special” friends.

Please submit your NOBALLSHIT application with a headshot, full length body shot and IQ score.  Do not contact us, we will contact you.